RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

I stay stood with my back against the wall in mine and Matt's bedroom, sitting on my heels like the fucking child that I have being acting like throughout this ordeal.

I sigh as I try to calm myself down a little, but the nerves come straight back as soon as I can hear the sounds of feet stomping up the stairs.

My eyes widen as they turn to the door and I just wait for Matt to appear there to yell at me, to tell me he hates me, that he thinks I'm a sick fuck for fucking a kid half my age. I try to ready myself for it all, but I will never be ready.

"Matt, I wanted to tell you," I say to him as he pushes the door open slowly, "I just, I was too much of a wimp to do it."

He looks so hurt. Well, duh. So very crushed and disappointed with me. I hate that look, he has never given me that look in his life. It makes my heart break to see it. But I don't deserve to have my heart break right now, because I was the one that caused all this.

"I am so sorry."

I think that fuck-up is a little harsh to talk about Josef with, I mean, Matt doesn't really know him at all.

"But... Matt, you have everything that I need and I love you it's just... I was stressed at the the time, so much was going on and... he was just, there and, everywhere, I..."

I can't explain it, I hate that I can't explain why I did it. I mean, I explained it to Brian and I hated the way I sounded to him, so I'm going to dispise the way I sound with Matt.

"But you were ill Matt!" That makes me sound even worse now, like I was fucking Joe while Matt was at home alone.

"I felt like everything was slipping away from me, and I just, I needed something that I had control over. Something that I could stop any time I wanted to, but it didn't happen the way that I planned."

I cringe at his next flow of questions to me. I have no idea how many times me and Josef have fucked, all I know is that it's being happening a few months now.

"A... few."

Gotten through it? There is no way we are going to get through this. If I thought we would have, I would have told him the day after it happened.

"Matt, what does it matter what time I told you whether I had being with him one time or a hundred times," I get up from the floor and stand facing Matt now.

"It's still the worst thing I have ever done, I slept with my employee!"

"Yes?"

I give him a slightly confused and wide eyed look.

"Wait... who have you being talking about? Josef didn't tell you..."

Oooh man, I could have saved myself from this, now I've spoilt it myself now. I could actually smack myself now. Idiot. Idiot!

I bite into my lip as I look to the floor and nod along to what Matt is saying like a child being scolded.

"I've being seeing Brian a lot, because, because he caught me and Joe. And, he's the only one that I can talk to about it, he's the only one that I could cry to and I know that he wouldn't judge me."

I look back up at Matt again.

"I know Joe's young, but, he wanted to, and he's mature for his age. He..."

I can't say he made me, because he didn't make me. But, "he suggested it."

I flinch as Matt screams at me, biting into my lip as I widen my eyes. I have never seen him mad at me before, it's really scaring me.

I don't haver anything else to day to him. I can't explain myself to even myself here, so how am I going to able to do it to him?

"I'm sorry baby. I love you," I say as I move a little closer to him, chancing my luck at a cry filled hug.

"Can't we just, forget it all happened and carry on like we where?" I suggest to Matt, smiling at him in hopw that he would take me back, or just agree with me.

"Because, I really am sorry baby, and I wish I had never done it. Any of the times, at all," I stop talking and take a hold of one of Matt's hands by his side.

"What do you say?"

"What?"

Damnit, I thought that might have worked.

"No, no, no Matt. You can forgive me, you don't need time," I tell him as I try to grab at his hand again and get a little closer to him, frantically pawing at his hand.

"It's not that bad, I mean, people cheat all the time. It's not like I love him, I love you, I want to be with you. Not him."

I sigh and bite into my lip, I don't want to give up this easily, but I know in my head that what I have done is the most terrible thing in the world, I could never redeem myself for this.

"Fine..."

Is that really all I can say?

"I'll... I'll just pack some stuff and... find a motel or something," I say with a shrug as if I am uncertain, in case he wants to suggest something else to me.

I turn away from Matt, taking a deep breath before walking over to our shared wardrobes and finding one of our suitcases. I feels so weird just me packing a case, me and Matt have never being on holiday or taken a break without the other one. This just shows how serious this really is.

I pull the case out and start loading it with just any clothes that are in the wardrobe. I come across a couple of Matt's tracksuit tops, I look back at him as I take a hold of a used one. I know I'll go crazy if I don't have a little bit of him with me. I look back at the suitcase and quickly stuff the tracksuit top in on top of all my other clothes.

I let out a sigh and some tears fall down my face as I feel that Matt's not in the room with me anymore, I know this because I heard the backroom door all but slam.

"Bye Mattie," I say to myself as I lift my suitcase from the floor and walk out of the room.

I walk up to the bathroom door, and I am about to knock on it and say goodbye to Matt properly, but when I hear the painful sobs coming from him, the likes I have never heard, it just breaks my heart even more and I just have to go.

I walk down the stairs quickly and quietly, listening to Brian entertaining in the other room while I sneak out of the front door so they don't see me to ask questions. I see Brian through the crack in the door, I just shake my head at him as he looks in my direction before quickly darting out of the front door and to my car.