RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

I look to Zacky, "Am I a bad person for being excited?"

I shouldn't have asked that, I should have just let him think I was completely nonchalant about everything. I don't want him to think I'm some kind of sex crazed fiend. I also feel kind of guilty that my first time is going to be with someone other than my boyfriend. Granted my boyfriend's going to be there but still it's not quite as special and romantic as I'd planned.

Part of me wants to take him now, just so that we've shared this together. The rest of me doesn't think that'd really be fair.

I smile weakly at him and shrug.

I'm not mad at him for being excited, at least he is being honest with me. It just hurts a little bit to know that I'm not good enough to be alone with him on our first time.

"No biggy," I say in a slightly weak voice before pushing myself from the bed and just stand in the middle of the room. I don't even know why I got up, I just felt like I had to. Maybe it's because of the lump in my throat.

And now I feel really bad. I don't want him to feel like this. I want him to... I don't know what I want him to do. I kinda want him to stop us from doing this. I want him to say we can't do this. I can't do it, I want it so badly. I want them so badly. Why did this have to happen now? Why couldn't Alex have wanted me before I fell for Zacky? Why, why, fucking why?!

"I'm sorry, Zee. I... I do want our first time together to be special. To be honest, I want to do it now. I want us to share it with each other and no-one else." I explain, "But I dunno, it'd be kinda forced, I mean not forced, it'd just... seem so clinical because it's as if we were on a time limit and... I'm sorry."

"It's alright Matt, seriously, I'll get over it," I say with a small smile before nodding, mostly to show him that I'm fine with all this.

Besides, if I had my way, this won't be the first time. As... this isn't going to be one of those threesomes where everyone fucks everyone's ass. Actually, if I had it my way, no one would be getting fucked. But, I doubt very much that that'll happen anyway.

Fuck, why did I agree to this?

[[Perhaps skipping to something else? Otherwise it's just going to be insistent "I'm okay!" and suchlike forEVER.]]

[[That might be an idea. When shall we skip tooo?]]

[[I don't know. I mean, we've got the threesome planned for the next day but I'm not really feeling up to being sexy RARRRRRRGGGGHHHH Matt at the moment. Erm, we could go to another little family with a 'baby'. Or Corey could be talking to straight Matt about his? Maybe have something sort of developing there?]]

[[I think we might need some Coby/Bri baby antics. Just to make you smile. I'll start?]]

[[Mmm, Brian. Yeah, sounds good, heehee.]]

[[OK!]]

"Little Erika, I just got a call from uncle Zacky, and he asked us if we could look after little Christian for the evening. So, you'll get a little friend for the evening," I say as I tickle her little tummy.

"Won't that be fun?" I ask in a rather high pitched voice.

We've only being home for a good couple of hours now, and I have already got pretty attached to little Erika here. Brian on the other hand, is a completely different story.

It is impossible to form any kind of attachment to some flour. I'm trying, I really am, for Coby more than anything else. But there's nothing... except a craving for a foot long sub. I think that may be eternal teenage horniness coupled with the fact my boyfriend's cuddling a flour child. That's not healthy, is it?

I open my mouth to comment on the fact we'll be flour sitting but I can't think of anything nice to say - well anything that Coby would consider nice at least - so therefore I don't bother saying anything at all. Never let it be said that I'm not a good guy.

I think the only thing about this I'm enjoying is seeing how sweet and loving Coby can be towards something so... floury. I find it very endearing, he's so fucking cute. Even when he's yelling at me for threatening to cook her.

I look up from looking down at Erika to see Brian. He's still sitting at the desk, on the swivel chair looking at me and Erika with his arms folded over his chest. He hasn't said anything in a while to me, just sat in silence.

"You know, it's not like she has chicken pox or something, you can come and sit with us."

I smile at Brian before looking back down at Erika again.

"I mean, she wants a hug from her other Daddy too."

"I had chicken pox twice." I inform him as I get up from the chair, "I'd love to know exactly how that happened."

I walk across to them and drop down on the bed next to Coby. I wrap an arm around his back as I look down at little Erika, trying to force myself to feel anything for her. I can't continue on like this, I mean if me and Coby have kids in the future [whoa, future already? I really am serious about this guy], I don't want to be this nonchalant towards a real baby.

BUT THIS IS A BAG OF FLOUR!

"She wants a Daddy B cuddle too?" I force a smile as I gaze down at her, "Come here then, baby."

I pull my arm back from around Coby and reach out to take Erika.

"Erm, not quite sure of how I do this, heh. I never got to hold my little sister when she was a baby."

"Aww, that sucks," I say to him as he takes her from my arms.

"Well, you just hold your arm right around her and support her head, like so..." I tell him this as I move his arms into the right position.

"There you go," I say before watching Brian look down at Erika, obviously trying to feel something towards her, even though she's not a real baby.

His imagination is obviously not as good as mine. But never the less, watching him like this is so cute, and it's bringing visions into my head.

"You know, if that was a real baby you were holding, I think I'd probably just swoon so hard."

Shit, did I just say that?

I'm pretty sure Coby expected me to freak out over that. I look across at him with a contented smile, "If this was a real baby, I'd probably be a little less useless and a bit more attached."

I look down on Erika, trying to imagine her as a real little baby. I'm not really imaginative, which as a musician and an actor is pretty fucking bad. I should be able to picture her as a little girl. Maybe I should pretend she's McKenna? Then I'd be a lot less nonchalant. I'd want to protect her from the world, keep her away from anything that dared to harm her, take beatings so she didn't have to. I'd do whatever it took to save her.

"I am trying, y'know?" I say, looking back at Coby, "I just... feel weird getting attached to a bag of flour."

Even if it does feel kinda nice having said bag of flour curled up in my arms, looking innocent and peaceful... and uncooked.

"I know Angel," I say with a smile before scooting a little closer to him and Erika.

I move my hand up to Brian's hair where I stroke at a strand that is hanging over his cheek.

"I know it might take some time for you, but it really does make me smile seeing you like this."

[[BRB.]]

"As long as you're happy." I smile at him, "Because if you're happy then she'll be happy and I'll be happy too."

I look down on little Erika again, still not really feeling too much for her. I try again to picture her as 'Kenna and...

Daddy, no! Don't Daddy...

My grip tightens a little around Erika. No-one is going to hurt my little girl like that. I hug her to me, whispering in her ear about how I'm going to protect her from everything and everyone.

And the award for worlds quickest turnaround in the shortest time ever goes to...

I watch as Brian clings to little Erika and rocks her, whispering words of comfort and how he is never going to let anyone ever hurt her. I smile to myself before placing my hand on Brian's shoulder.

"Hey, you OK? That was a little... odd," I say as I stroke my hand down Brian's arm.

I jolt out of my little world, slightly startled by the sudden feel of being touched. I whip my head around to see Coby looking at me, asking me how I am.

"Uh, yeah I just... flashbacks, y'know?" I explain, "McKenna sort of saw me getting attacked once and I kinda heard her in my head and just... projected onto little Erika here."

I half-smile, "I'm fine, just shocked me a bit."

"Ooooh," I say as I look at him.

I sometimes don't know what to say or do when he has one of his flashbacks. I guess the only just hold him and tell him that he's with me, and not with his Dad anymore, but that can't make him feel any better. And, he's also said that he's worried about McKenna too, like, if he's here, then how is their looking after her.

"But, you're OK now? Do, do you want me to get you something?"

I really don't know how I can deal with this. I have dealt with it before granted, but with other people, people that I'm not completely in love with.

"I'm fine." I say, "Just a bit of a surprise."

It's strange, I actually do feel okay. I know nothing can happen to 'Kenna, my dad adores her. It was the only time he'd ever stopped hurting me because he wanted to go and comfort her. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want her to turn out like her big brother.

"I'm... really, I'm good. I just... I'm surprised by how fine I do feel actually." I say, with a half laugh.

I look between Coby and Erika, "Guess it's because I don't just have me to worry about anymore."

I smile weakly at him.

It's sad that he feels that way. That the only way that his family can actually be a happy family is because he's not their anymore. As if he doesn't really have a family anymore. It's sad, because I know it really does bother him.

"OK then, I'm glad you're OK then," I smile as I stroke his hair aside.

I jump a little when I feel my wrist vibrate. I look down at the watch on my wrist, the numbers across the screen flashing, telling me it's time for Erika's bedtime.

"Well, looks like it's time for this little one to get some sleep."

[[Brian needs a happy family ending, I want his mom to come and find him and turn out really sweet and yay. Coz I feel really sorry for him, haha.]]

"Awww."

I lift Erika up in front of my face, "Five more minutes Daddy?"

I put on my big pleading eyes but to no avail. I don't even know why I wanted to keep her up longer. I think I just wanted more of a cuddle with her. I think I might even be growing attached to her. But no-one can know.

"Okay." I kiss her little paper head, "Um, where is she going to be sleeping anyway?"

[[Aww, that would be so sweet! I think she should!]]

I grin before taking her from Brian's hands, getting ready to put her to bed.

"Hmmm... you think that I haven't got this all planned out?" I smile before getting up from the bed and placing Erika on the end of the bed.

"I'm going to make her a bed, out of some boxes and blankets from the bottom of the closet. While you..." I grin before fishing into the bag we got given by Corey and fishing out a diaper.

"Change her diaper before bed."

"Change her?"

I look at the diaper that Coby's just handed me. I know how to do this, I just don't really know how one would change a sack of flour. Then again, it's got to be less stinky than a real baby.

I look down to Erika, "Come on then baby."

I start pulling off the old diaper, moving it aside.

"Awww, who's a stinky baby?" I ask, my voice going all weird and high pitched.

I tickle her belly as I keep teasing her about her smelly diaper. I can't help myself now. I think I've opened a fatherly floodgate.

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