RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

I close the door behind me with a sigh, now to go back to see Brian, who will now doubt be totally pissed off with me for leaving him in his state. I don't think I could deal with moody Brian right now. Plus the fact I really want to find something out.

I sigh before looking down the staircase towards the teachers dorms.

Should I? I mean, it's Zacky's secrets. Do I really want to know the details of his life? Do I really want to find out why he's freaking out like this? Well, I do have a duty to my block so...

I nod to myself before making my way down the stairs towards the teachers dorms. If anyone knows anything about this, Brody will.

"Matt, I can't carry on like this. I can't have these nightmares anymore. I mean, someone's going to find out about everything and I can't let that happen Mattie..."

I'm starting to breathe a little faster again, I try to calm myself down by pressing my palm to my chest and taking a deep breath.

"I just... can't... help me..."

That's all I'm say while I'm hyperventilating.

"Okay, Zee, calm down."

I take his hands, "Just breath, try and stay calm, okay?"

I look round the room for any sign of a paper bag, there's got to be some in here somewhere. Enough booze has been smuggled in in the damn things. I spot one on the desk. I drop his hands and grab the bag from the desk before bringing it back to him.

"Breathe into this, 'kay?"

I nod before bringing the bag up to my mouth and taking a deep breath into it, and out of it and into it. I continue this as I keep looking at Matt.

"God, I really need to calm down, but, I don't know what to do," I whine, hating the way I sound at the moment.

I take the bag back to my mouth and start breathing back into it again.

"Well this'll help." I say, with a reassuring smile, "Maybe it'll help if you tell me what the dreams were about."

I feel a little foolish for even suggesting it but Coby did have a point on that front. Maybe if he gets things off his chest, he'll start to feel better.

"It kinda sounds like the whole Mommy Matt again, I remember it's what my mom always said when I was a kid. You tell someone your bad dreams and they go away." I explain, "It does make some kind of sense. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Although I don't think shaking your pillows out works quite as well."

"Yeah, I guess you're right... but," I say, not really in the mood for sharing these dreams with him.

Sometimes I don't even think they are worthy to be nightmares. It was one of my dreams for many years while he was away from me. And now that he couldn't be any further away from me, this fantasy is now a complete nightmare for me because I'll never get it.

But I can't tell Matt that, I can't tell him that my nightmare is me being fucked by my little brother. I can't tell him that I'm having this nightmare because I know I will never get it again.

"But, I... I- can't."

"I'm not going to force you to tell me, Zee."

I wrap an arm round his back, "But I'll listen if you need me to. No matter what it is you've got going on in that crazed head of yours."

I laugh a little to myself, hoping I've not just made a complete tit of myself and managed to offend him even more.

"Or whatever, it's up to you. You can tell me what you dreamt, we can just sit and talk about complete bullshit to get your mind off it or whatever." I say with a smile, "Whatever's going to help you."

What will help me? All I want to do right now is just lay here and hold onto Matt. But I'm always doing that and it's not making me feel all that much better.

"I... I'll give it a try, just, I don't think I could look at you, when I told you..." I look at him before smiling slightly and looking back down at my hands in my lap, clutching the paper bag there.

I take a deep breath ready to start, "Right, so..."

I smile, tightening my grip around him a little. I'm a little concerned by the fact he won't look at me. Maybe he's scared he'll see disgust with whatever he has to say. It hurts a little to know he could be worried about something like that. Nothing he says can disgust me, confuse me, yes - many a time he's tried to explain the brilliance of riumming someone and I just can't see it. But nothing would disgust me. Not even when it was about his brother, they were in love, that's not gross to me in any way.

"So." I say, hoping he doesn't take it as a sign of impatience. It's just a shorter way of saying "I'm ready when you are."

I take a deep breath, "So basically, I had a dream about me and my brother, it was like what we did that night when I came home but it was different."

I bite my lip and look at the paper bag that my hands a fiddling with.

"It was different because...er- Mattie fu- made love to me."

I can feel some tears pinprick my eyes, but it does feel better to get this out.

"And, it wasn't a nightmare because of that, because I didn't like it, it was a nightmare- because I liked it so much, but I'll never get he chance to experience it with him and... because he's gone and..."

"Oh Zacky." I say without even thinking about it.

I haven't really got anything to say to that. What can you say to someone who's not going to get to experience something that special with the one they love? I can't say there'll be someone else because I don't think anyone could match up to Matt for Zacky.

"I don't really have anything I can say to make this better." The words come out without me even thinking about them, "I kinda feel guilty for that, I'm supposed to be able to make this better for you."

"It's OK, all you had to do was listen, it's OK," I say before looking back at Matt and smiling.

"Y'know something Matt, sometimes I think that..." I stop myself, trying to think of the words. But what do I want to say?

I think that my dead brother always wanted me to be with you.

I think that you and me were meant to be together.

I think that you and me are supposed to not get the love that we want because we are meant for each other.

"...that you're the most understanding person I know," I smile at him.

I love you.

"Thank you."

[[

]]

"One of my many talents." I say, with a smile, "Course it sometimes means I'm walked all over but fuck it, someone has to be, right?"

I pull him a little closer to my side, rubbing gentle circles on his thigh.

"You know, seeing you like this, this side of you. It's easy to see why Matt fell for you." I say, hoping he doesn't take this the wrong way, "You're sweet, funny, caring. People underestimate you."

I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm just feeling mushy. It's probably the fact it's so late, the fact we're all cuddly, the fact he's so broken and all I want is to put him back together.

"Shut me up if this is getting weird, yeah?"

I feel some tears pinprick my eyes, but I let these ones fall this time. I bite into my lip before looking up at Matt.

"Thank you, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."

He smiles down at me and squeezes me tighter to him.

My God, how did I not see this sooner, I can see it now. Behind those eyes, it's that love. The love that I thought I'd never see in anyone else ever. That innocent love that my Baby Mattie had, it's all there. How did I not see this sooner?

"Matt. Would you... kiss, me?" I ask him before biting my lip.

ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitSHIIIIIIIIT!!!

I'm hearing things. Or... or... or I'm in another dimension. Or... someone's replaced Zacky with a clone. I don't know what's happened but there's no way I just heard what I think I heard.

Kiss him? For one, Zacky doesn't do kisses. He's hurting, he doesn't want this. He's just confused. That has to be it.

I feel my eyes staring at his mouth, that full, perma-pouty mouth. The rings which are glinting in the moonlight, the indent where his teeth have been biting down. I bring my hand up to his face, cupping his cheek, still staring at those lips.

I can't do this. It wouldn't be fair. It'd ruin everything we have. I've never had anyone who's been this close to me. I don't want to lose that because of some confused lust.

"You... you don't want me to do that Zacky."

I regret the words as soon as I've said them. I suddenly want nothing more than to feel him against me. Maybe that's always what I've wanted from him and I've projected my feelings onto Alex because I could never have him either...

Oh my God.

What? No, please no...

"Bu-but I do. I want to be kissed, like, someone loved me, like something I..."

I start to blush when I realise how much of a fool I have already made out of myself. I look down at my lap again, I can't believe I have just ruined everything that me and Matt have because I'm so fuckin' heartbroken.

"I'm sorry," I say as I start to get up from the bed, away from Matt's arms, Matt's warmth, and most of all, away from my own comfort zone.

I leave my arms held out for the longest time, it's like they don't know what to do without Zacky curled up in them. Fuck, this is all happening to me so goddamn fast.

"Zacky, you're just hurting." I throw out there when all I want to do is apologize and kiss him the way I should have done.

"Why me?" I ask, again not saying the right words, "People don't want that from me. I'm the friend, I'm always the friend, you don't want me like that. You couldn't... it'd be too goddamn perfect."

"I do, Matt, I really do, I so want you like that," I say as I get up from the bed and run my hand through my hair.

I sigh before looking back at Matt who's sat down on the bed.

"Matt, you don't know how amazing you are, do you?" I ask him before turning right towards him, "You're sweet, you're so perfect, you're beautiful inside and outside."

"I'm not confused, I have never felt so clear in all of my life. I want you to kiss me, so much," I sit down on the bed on my knees in front of him, "I want you to show me that I'm a person that deserves to be loved like you always said I should be. So please, just, kiss me."

I think over everything he says while he's in front of me. I want to kiss him so badly now. I want to kiss him and hold him and never fucking let him go, the way I know I should.

He's one of the most stunning people I've ever met. He normally hides it under the make-up, the attitude, he loses the appeal because he's such an ass. Seeing him like this makes me realize how truly attracted to him I am.

I haven't felt this way about anyone since I came here, it's always been Alex, there's been no-one else I've wanted. Now Alex is the last thing on my mind, he's the last person I want. All my brain can process is how much I want Zacky, how much I need him, how I think I might be just the tiniest bit completely head over fucking heels in love with him.

I bring my hand back to his face, the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach, goosebumps appearing all over my damn body.

I lean forward nervously, just staring into those bright, intense green eyes for any sign of insincerity. It's only when I accidentally brush my nose against his that I feel I can shut my eyes, that he's not going to pull back, that he really does want this from me.

I smile at him by way of apology and tilt my head, moving those final few inches forward and pressing my lips to his. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, my whole body feels like it's alive. One tiny word springs to my mind the second our mouths meet.

Soulmate.

I let my own eyes close as he kisses me, all the butterflies in my stomach that died all those years back have being revived and they are fluttering more than ever.

The kiss is sweet. No tongues, no teeth, no sloppiness. Just our lips pressing together and our hands in each others, holding on as if we'd both fall from the face of the earth if we were to let go. A feeling I have never felt before, and a feeling that I would love to feel again. I have never felt so needed.

Yet, my mind has never felt so clear, all I can think about is time as we see it at this moment, how perfect me and Matt fit together as I squeeze his hands tighter and move closer to him.

I know this has to end soon, as I need to breathe. But I just don't want it to.

I don't want to pull away from him. I don't want to hear those words 'we can't do this', 'this can't happen', 'I was wrong' or any other words to that effect. I'm too certain that this is what I want, this is who I want.

I stroke my thumb across his face as we continue this chaste, sweet kiss. I know I need to stop this now, one of us is going to pass out otherwise. I really need to learn the technique of breathing through my nose when I'm doing this.

I pull back slightly, only the tiniest amount I can get away with and smile at him.

There's so much I want to say to him right now but I don't think I could find the words. I just make do with the smiling, hoping it gets the message across to him.

I open my eyes slowly as I feel him pull away from my lips, I can still feel his breath lingering across my still pouted lips telling me that he hasn't pulled away from utter disgust.

"Thank you," I say in a small voice as I bring my hands up to his hands, still on my cheeks and hold onto them.

That was everything I had hoped for, a loving kiss, one I will remember for a very long time. I just hope to God that he feels the same way.

I match his smile and just look at him, smiling sincerely for the first time in ages as a single tear of happiness rolls down my cheek. The first one in ever.

I want to stay like this forever, just seeing this side of Zacky, seeing that smile. I feel all light headed just looking at it, how dazzling, how sweet, how bright it is. But it's nearly 2AM and both of us have classes tomorrow.

"We should probably get some sleep." I say, hoping to God he'll let me hold him as we sleep.

I don't want to let him go now. I'm pretty sure I'm reading too much into this. He just wanted to feel like someone cared and he knows that I do. He didn't mean this to be the start of something. Maybe if I get some sleep, things will be normal again, I'll be pining over Alex, Zacky'll be... Zacky.

"You want me to... I mean, I kinda... think you might need some, y'know, Matt cuddles?"

I smile at him, glad that he wants more than just a little kiss to make me feel better.

"I would love some Matt cuddles," I smile at him, before scooting onto the bed some more and wrapping my arms around him.

I sigh and close my eyes, finally feeling at peace with myself as I feel his muscles under my touch, the muscles that will protect me from anything that dared hurt me.

"I love your cuddles Matt."

"Glad to hear it." I say, pulling him close to me, bringing the discarded duvet over us, "Because I love giving you them."

I want to drop a hint that I'd like a little more from this but even I'm not completely sure yet. I'm confused to fuck. In the space of an hour, I've started thinking I might be in love with my best friend. I'm not sure what to do with that. I don't want to get in too deep with him when I don't know if I really do feel this way or if I'm just thinking I do because I feel bad for him.

"Night, Zacky."

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