RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

I shut the door behind me as I walk over to Matt still biting my lip. I note his bloody hand but I try to push it to the back of my mind at the moment, I just want to hold him now.

"Matty," I say before walking over to him and drawing him close to me for a hug. A hug that I have really needed for quite a while now.

"It is my fault, I can't do anything right at the moment. I want nothing more than this to work with you, but everything keeps getting in the way," I look up at his face, "It's no fair Matty."

I know I am probably sounding really whining now, but I don't care, I just want to hold Matt, and I want him to hold me back.

I wrap my arms round him automatically. They don't feel right left by my side, they always feel better when they're wrapped tightly around my Zacky.

"I know you do, baby. I want it to work too." I say, holding him tightly to me, "So fucking much."

I press a kiss to his hair, "We can work through this, right?"

I don't want to tell him my fears right now. I don't want to pile that on top of him while he's like this. I want to be able to kiss him and make everything feel better, not dump on him how pissed off I am at everything, at him, at Mick, at myself.

"I mean, we've dealt with worse when we were just friends. We can deal with this now as more than that."

"Yes, yes, of course we can," I say as I turn my head to the side and rest my head on his shoulder, pulling myself closer to him.

"I just, I'll do anything so I don't lose you Matty. And we'll work through this, I will work through this, this is my mess, you don't need me to dump this on you."

I pull myself away from him slightly, just so I can look up at him. I bite my lip as I look into his eyes, they look as afraid as I feel right now. I feel so terrible for putting him through this, he doesn't deserve all this.

I bring my hands up to his face and stroke his smooth cheeks, "I am so sorry Sweetie, I really, really am."

"It's okay." I say smiling, "Really. I mean, we weren't even together when this happened, right? I can't hold it against you."

I lean down to him and kiss him, just to prove to him how cool I am with all this. How calm I am, how I don't care, how I can handle this. I don't know if I can, granted but I can't let him know that right now.

"Anyway, if... if you're going to be a dad, just means we get to play with cool kids toys again, right?"

It's a lame bright side, but it's the only one I have at the moment.

"And I can just imagine a tiny version of you. All bright green eyes, chubby cheek, cute little smile." I say, grinning.

"I guess," I say with a slight laugh, trying to think of the bright side of all these things. Granted I know that Matt's just trying to say these things to make me feel better, and it's working a little bit, but that's only because he's here holding me and kissing me.

I close my eyes for a second, just to try and get my head around all this. I'm going to be a Dad, as Matt said, a little me, and a little Mick. Fuck, I don't feel so good now.

"Fuck, I never thought I'd be a Dad, ever, fuck," I say before resting my head on Matt's shoulder again, just to keep myself standing.

I lead Zacky across to the bed, he looks like he could do with getting off his feet. I keep my arms wrapped tightly around him, just to keep him feeling safe and calm. Or as calm as he can be in this situation.

"I never thought we'd be a couple either but look at the way things work out." I say, smirking, "This is only going to be a negative thing if you perceive it that way. I know it's scary but just think about the good side of this, you've helped to create a new life, one that's going to love you unconditionally."

I find myself smiling as I say this, I think I might be getting broody. But guys don't do that, so I'm just going to completely forget about it.

"You can help it walk and talk and help it grow up to be someone as sweet and amazing as you."

"God Matt, please stop, you're scaring me," I say with a slight nervous laugh.

"I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm scared that I'll be a bad Dad and... I'm just really scared now, so... can we not talk about... this."

I don't want to seem completely negative about this whole thing, but I am so not ready to be a father. I'm only seventeen! It's not a natural thing for me to be a father, that's why I wanted to be gay. Well, one of the reasons.

I knew I was coming on too strong with this whole thing. I should have stayed quiet and freaked out with him.

"Okay, okay." I kiss the side of his head, "We can push it aside, we can talk about happier things."

I try to think of anything else to talk about to get his mind off this but to be honest, I'm kinda pre-occupied with how I'm suddenly weirdly excited about Mick being pregnant. Not for Mick obviously, he's an asshole. But for me and Zacky.

"Mm, or we could just not talk at all?" I offer, looking down on him with a sweet smile on my face, "And just cuddle like the manly men we are."

"Can't think of anything else to talk about, uh?" I ask him with a laugh and a cocked eyebrow.

He nods, a little embarrassed I can tell, as I smile at him.

"OK then, I do love it when you give me those special Matt cuddles," I say with a small smile before wrapping my arms around him more and sitting with my back against the wall, pulling Matt back with me.

I rest my head on his chest and just feel his breath on the back of my head. I smile thinking about how Matt can help me through this. Like, if Mick comes around and decides he doesn't want this baby anymore and he wants to dump it on me. Matt will help me through.

"Matt, thank you."

"You're the only person who's ever deserved special Matt cuddles." I say, smiling, "In all my years as official cuddle giver to the kids in this place, you're the only one who's ever got the special ones."

More proof piling up on my "I'm in love with Zacky." chart which I'm making in my head. It's beating the "I'm completely insane and just desperate for affection" side.

"You don't need to thank me. Any decent man would be doing the same." I say as I smile down on him.

"Not with me, Matty, you have got to be the only person in this place that actually cares for me and gives a shit. And it's all I need," I say to him as I look up at him, stopping myself from saying anymore.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. I've got the butterflies in my stomach again and I can't take my eyes away from him. I want to say what I think is right, but I don't want to make him panic. I mean, I may not even feel that way, I mean, how can I be in love with Matt when all we have done is kissed and cuddled. How can I be in love with someone without doing anything sexually intimate? God, I am so confused right now.

It's just then when I realise that I have being staring up at Matt for the longest time.

Damnit.

"Sorry for staring, just, thinking about things," I say before looking down and resting my forehead on Matt's shoulder so I can stop staring at him. It was probably freaking him the fuck out.

That was a bit weird, being looked at like that, like someone wanted me, like someone loved me. It was nice though, meant I got a chance to look at Zacky without him caring. Not that he would anyway. I'm still trying to get used to this new side of our relationship. I've never been allowed to just sit and stare at him before, now it's kind of expected. There's a lot to get used to.

"The other guys in this place don't know you like I do." I say, smiling, "I know you inside and out... figuratively speaking."

I bring my hand to his hair, stroking over the back of it, "What's on your mind, Zee?"

I laugh a little at his choice of words and irony of the whole thing, especially with what is on my mind at the moment.

Ooooh, Matt, if you knew me on the inside, you'd just come out and told me you loved me to stop me saying it first.

"Oooh, nothing much, just things," I say to him before waving my hand around and looking back up at him again with smile.

"So..." I can't think of anything to say to him so I just grin up at him.

God, I suck at this love jazz.

It's strange but I kind of love how awkward all this is between us. It's got that whole new relationship feel to it, like neither of us are really sure how to act around the other person. Which is weird considering we've known each other for three years now.

Before I can stop myself I just lean down and kiss Zacky. I just want to feel his lips against mine again, to feel the way he melts against me. There's no other reason for it, I just wanted to.

I pull back from him with a smile, "I just... wanted to kiss you again."

It feels silly saying it outloud but in my head it made perfect sense.

I smile up at him and laugh a little.

"You don't have to explain yourself, y'know? You can kiss me whenever you like, since, we are y'know together."

It sounds so weird me saying this, I have never actually being with anyone. I have never had a real boyfriend that I could show to people, that I could kiss in public, that I could... tell I loved them without some group of crazy religious freaks being on my case. Well, less than a hundred anyway.

"So, you wanna kiss me again?"

"And again. And again. And again. And again." I continue on like this for a long while, kissing him between each 'and again', "I love kissing you, Zee. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner."

I kind of regret not making a move on Zacky sooner. I wouldn't have had to endure the past three years of unwanted celibacy. I wouldn't have had that whole damn thing with Alex. I could just have been with Zacky and we could have been a happy, loving couple. But then again, he'd never have gone for it and I didn't even realize I wanted this. Still doesn't make me wish the last three years had just been meandhim though. Which kind of adds to my belief that I might actually be in love with him. I can't see myself with anyone else anymore, not even Alex. He's just... a crush that never happened. I think I got over him after the whole thing with Chris. I don't honestly think I feel anything for him anymore. Then again, I've not seen him for a while.

I want to tell Zacky that I love him because I'm pretty sure I do. But I don't want to do it until I'm sure. What if this is just me trying to help him in the only way I know how? I don't want to hurt him if it turns out I'm just confused.

"Mm, now I'm spacing out." I say, after I've been silent for a long while.

I bat him on the arm, "It's all your fault. You've given me the... thinking disease."

"It's a terrible disease Matty," I say with a laugh before leaning up again and kissing him.

I smile against his lips, loving the way his soft lips feel against my own. I rest my nose against his and just look into his eyes.

"Matt, what colour actually are your eyes?" I ask him, a little confused now. I have seen his eyes a beautiful green like my own, sometimes a hazel and sometimes I have even seen them blue. But I didn't expect myself to ask him this.

"God, you're random." I say, quickly kissing him again. I can't stop myself now.

"Well, my passport says they're hazel. But they seem to change all the time depending on how I'm feeling. They're a total pain in the ass." I laugh a little, "Unlike yours. Yours are just... they're so fucking beautiful. I could lose myself in your eyes and I'd never want to be found."

Ahhh, this is definitely love. I'm being a cheesy son of a bitch, a sure sign of being with the perfect man. I smile to myself at this thought.

"They are my favourite thing about me," I say, thinking that they are the only innocent thing that I do like around myself.

"Well, if they change with your mood, what does..." I look a little closer at his eyes, they are so green right now, with little brown flicks in them. They aren't really hazel, but... "bottle green mean?" I ask him before looking back at his face again.

Y'see this is just the random pointless banter that I have never had with a guy. It's almost... more anticipating and enjoyable than the more intimate side of things. I'm just glad I can notice this now.

"Well I've never really taken notes on what means what." I say, laughing at him, "But I'm feel pretty content and happy right now. So maybe it means that?"

I feel so comfortable with him. Like we did when we were just friends but with the added intimacy of cuddles and kisses. Well, more cuddles anyway.

"We should make a chart of what my eyes do when. Although they'll probably always be green when they're looking at you." I say, adjusting my position on the bed so my legs don't fall asleep, I rest my hand on Zacky's hip and just start playing with the tiny amount of exposed skin there.

"Zee? Have you ever actually seen the sun? You're so pale."

I grin at his comment about his eyes, feeling the happiest I have in a while, despite everything that is going on, Matt is making it a hell of a lot better for me.

"Awww, that's so sweet," I say to him before kissing him softly on the lips.

I can feel him stroking the skin on my hip and I can't help but shudder a little, that being one of my favourite places to be touched. Well, by Matt while we are sitting on the bed talking anyways.

"I have seen the sun... mostly. I have lived in Northern States all my life, not so much sun, y'see," I say before stroking his fingers on my hip, "But, you wouldn't have me any other way, would you?"

I close my eyes and try to picture Zacky with an all over tan. For some reason he's oiled up and in a posing pouch. I'm pretty sure that's just my pervert mind at work. He doesn't look right all crispy brown.

"Mm, you're right." I look back down at him, "You'd just look odd if you were orange."

I smirk a little, figuring the pervert needs to be allowed out to play sometimes, "On the bright side though, it means I get to rub sunblock all over you when we go to the beach. That'll be very fun."

I laugh at Matt, "Matt, we leave in New York. When are we ever going to go to the beach?"

"But, I see your point," I say, before biting my lip and looking at Matt's lips and then his eyes, "I would love to have your hands rubbing sun block into my skin. Your big, big hands..."

I stop myself now before I end up with my voice dipping into some strange lust laced accent. I bite my lip and look down at Matt's lips.

"Sorry... got a little carried away there..."

"Yeah, just a little." I say, with a smirk, "But I was thnking it too so I can't really comment. And I suppose we are allowed to think like that. It'd be weird if I didn't want to ravage you, right?"

It still feels odd talking and thinking about doing anything sexual with Zacky. In a way, I still think of him as just my best friend. At the same time, I really do want nothing more than to make love to him, to show him how special he is, how much I adore him.

"I'm sure we could find a beach somewhere. Or we could just cover you in sunblock anyway, you can never be too sure. I mean..."

I gesture to the window to see a sky full of big grey clouds. That didn't go right.

"Cloud burn can attack at any time."

"Acid Rain?" I say hopefully with a shrug before laughing.

"And I'm sure I have moisturisers somewhere, so you can rub creams into my skin anyways, who knows?"

I smile at him. He wants to ravage me? Wow, I really just want him to follow that through now. But, I also want to savour what we have now.

"Well, you'll have to show me your powers of ravaging one day, won't you?

...What? What the hell am I even talking about?

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