RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

"Because I panicked." I say, slightly amazed that I'm managing to get my words out. Please don't let me fuck this up too.

"Y-you were so unsure and I was so scared that it was going to screw everything up between us. So I took the easy way out and ended up screwing up everything even more." I explain, "It wasn't a joke, Alex."

I look down at my hands, fiddling nervously with my fingers, "I wanted it so much. I was just... so scared that I'd made everything awkward by hitting on you. Come on, we've been hanging out so much these past few weeks, you should know how fucking hopeless I am by now."

I furrow my brow and look at him with a confused look on my face. Did he just say that he wanted it?

"Y-you wanted it?" I ask him as I grip tighter to the edge of the pool side.

"You actually weren't joking?" I ask him, just so I need it clarifying.

"Matt. Look at me, please? I need to know whether this is still just part of some sick joke. Please?" I almost beg with him now.

Come on Matt. Come on. Look at him, look at that amazing creature. This could be it, Matt. The moment you've been waiting for for three long, painful years.

I nervously lift my head up to look at him and nod, "I wanted it. I've wanted it, you for the past three years."

I literally feel like the weight has been taken off my shoulders. I find myself sitting up a little straighter now. Of course now it's the nervous waiting game, the scary responses. My heart's pounding against my chest, I'm vaguely aware of the fact my breathing has become shallower, the butterflies are in overdrive.

"I could never tell you, I was so fucking nervous, so scared. I mean, you're fucking amazing. Everyone looks upto you. I'm just the freakishly large nerd." I say, my voice wavering, "I... I'm sorry."

Three years? He's wanted to fuck me for three years? No, that can't be the case. He would have moved onto someone else if I hadn't put out. He must want someone more than sex to stick with this... obsession for me. He must love me.

"So today. You made that joke because you were scared I'd say no?" I ask him and he nods in an answer, a little too quickly.

"Matt. I- I really don't know what to say. I wasn't- not expecting this at all. I- just... woah." I look down at my feet in the water again, my cheeks getting hotter.

Am I fucking blushing? I never fucking blush. Oh my GOD! What's happening to me?!

I hate myself for doing it but I find myself chuckling a little at him, "Don't worry, this isn't some... you're just... you look cute when you blush."

I sit quietly with him for a long moment, looking back down at my hands, "Look, I understand if you don't feel the same. I don't expect you to, to be honest. I just wanted you to know so you didn't think I was being insensitive earlier."

This is so awkward. It never happens this way in my head. Then it's us making love by the pool - it always happens here in my head - and him professing his undying love for me. Or the other way which involved him being repulsed and drowning me in the skanky water. There was never the uncomfortable, nervous silence.

How do I answer? I mean, I don't love him, but it's not like I'm repulsed by his feelings for me. If anything I am really flattered that he thinks this about me. And it does certainly explain Chris backing away from me earlier. Actually remembering how Chris had reacted brings a smile to my face and I chuckle a little. So this is why none of them want to try things on with me.

"I can't believe I didn't see this earlier." I say more to myself than Matt as I laugh a little bit more.

"You love me," I state the obvious, "So all the others back off me so you can tell me how you feel finally." I say before shaking my head and looking at Matt with a smile.

"So I'm not just the annoying virgin that no one wants to fuck then?"

"Oh fuck no!" I say, amazed that he'd think that, "No, I'm sure everyone here would have tried it on with you if I hadn't been so blatant."

I allow myself to lean on him a little, slightly shocked that I'm cofident enough to do this.

"But apparently they've all got too much respect for me to try anything." I say, a half smile appearing on my face, "Even Mick would you believe? So really it's my fault you're still one of the gay virgins. Sorry about that."

I sigh heavily, he's still not really made any kind of comments either way about what's going to happen here. I'm too afraid to ask because I kind of don't want to know the answer.

I nod as he speaks, still looking at my feet drawing circles in the water.

"It is true. I can understand why the guys have a lot of respect for you. I mean, even some of the fourth years are scared of you." I say as I turn to him.

I didn't realise he was quite so close to me now. I can feel his sweater clad arm against my own cold, drying arm now. And he's staring intently at me. I have to look away.

"So, I, erm, guess you want an answer from me- then, yeah?" I say, biting my lip as I look down at the water again.

God this is awkward. How can I tell him that I'm not ready for love?

I smile sadly, "If you don't mind."

I sigh heavily and jump in just as he opens his mouth, "B-but don't be afraid to tell me the truth, Alex. I'm a big boy, I can handle it."

I pull my knees up to my chest, my legs had been going numb. I cross my fingers without even realizing what I'm doing. I peer across at him, trying to keep a neutral face. But I can't help the small hopeful smile which crosses my lips.

Please, please, please let there be some kind of a chance for me...

Oh God, now it makes it harder now. It's like he expects me to reject him.

"Erm..." I start, trying to find the right words.

"Matt. I am flattered. I really truly am," Oooh man, I sound so cliche. You suck Alex.

"But, I don't think I'm ready for... a relationship." And the cliche-ness just keeps on coming. He's not going to buy this bullshit. No matter how true it may be.

"But. I don't want you to wait for me, because I may never be ready for lo-a relationship." Don't say what I think you are going to say next. Don't say what you are going to say next!

"It's not you, it's me."

YOU ARE ONE BIG CLICHE, YOU BASTARD!

The smile drops from my face pretty quickly. I can feel a lump in my throat, tears brimming in my eyes. I turn away from him so I don't embarrass myself even more.

"Okay, I... I kinda knew this would be the most likely ending for all this." I say, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.

I can not believe that I am going to cry over this. I try desperately to regain myself. I don't want to make him realize just how pathetic I am.

"I can deal with that. I mean, it's not like you're the only guy in the whole school, right?" I say, with a shaky laugh, "It's okay."

I want him to tell me this is a joke. I want him to be repaying me for how cruel I was to him earlier. I want him to be kidding so fucking much it's actually physically hurting me.

Shit, why did I do this?

I can hear his voice wavering slightly and I know now that I have really upset him. And for that I feel truly fucking terrible.

"I'm sorry Matt." I say quietly as I look down at the pool water again.

"I'm just- it's complicated." I say, hating the words as they leave my mouth.

"Just go before I say something just as cliché, please?"

Oh my GOD! Why the hell did I say that? That's a terrible thing to say.

"Jesus." I mutter to myself before slipping into the pool water and sinking down underneath the water. Just to shut myself up.

I nod to myself, not even looking at him as he disappears into the pool. Stupid, stupid Matt. I get up from the floor and start walking away. Fuck, I'm obeying his instructions even now. Even after all this. I'm so fucking weak.

Fuck it, I don't care anymore. I walk up the stairs away from the pool, wiping at my eyes as I do so. I need to find somewhere I can be alone. Somewhere I can just sit and cry to myself. I can't keep bottling this up. I need to get all the tears out or I'm going to go fucking insane.

There's nowhere I can think of. Not now I've done the deed. I'm sure Zacky will have messaged round everyone, my room will be full of my well meaning friends all gathering to congratulate me, obviously all having more faith in me than they should.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[[Erm... what to do now? Even though we have like... two days to decide since you shall be at VR tomorrow.]]

[[I have the grand total of no ideas, haha. Oh dear.]]

[[Me neither. Mmmm, couple of days on? Synboooooowie!??]]

[[I'm up for SYNOBWOIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! at any time, so yeah, sounds good to me!]]

[[OK! I shall fill up my time with a long ass opening! *cracks knuckles*]]

[[Awesome!]]

THREE WEEKS LATER

So, it's being a good month since Brian has arrived to our school. Well, not necessary a good month, but you get the point. Matt is still mourning over his rejection from Alex, most of the guys are now trying to find a way to get Alex to at least take pity on Matt. But I'm stopping whatever plans they have. Matt doesn't need a boyfriend out of pity.

Zacky is still the same old asshole that he has being, although I haven't seen Matt leave his side for this past month so the boy can't be getting that much in the way of sex with a huge, emotional wreck attached to his hip.

Mick's being rather quiet recently, one of the few that hasn't being all that 'there' for Matt. Probably because Zacky's giving Matt the pity fucks and not him.

As for our new boy Brian, I can only assume that he's doing pretty well. Ever since this thing with Matt he's being staying in my room on a spare cot because Zacky forced him out the room for Matt's sake. So, here we are now, I can't sleep because my mind is racing a mile a minute. And I have a feeling that it's going to be like this all night.

"Daddy, lookit what I've drawn!"

I run up to my Dad, holding up a picture I drew of me and him together. Well it's really more of a bunch of stick figures with big smiles. But that's to be expected, I'm only 9, my drawing abilities aren't exactly incredible. [They don't get much better either]. My Dad snatches the drawing from me and looks it over.

"What the fuck is this?" He snaps in a loud, angry voice, scaring me.

"It's, it's me an' you an' we're smilin', see?" I point to the picture, "I made it for you."

He takes another long look at it before screwing it up and dropping it to the floor.

"That's another tree you've just wasted."

"But, Daddy..."

He shakes his head, "Leave me alone."

I'm vaguely aware of the wet streaks down my cheeks, possibly some quiet whimpering. Great, not now. I reach up to wipe at my eyes quickly before sitting up on the small bed and trying to calm myself down. It's amazing how the smallest things will set me off. Then again, that was just a pre-cursor to a worse time, the worst times of my life.

I rest my head on my knees, mumbling apologies to no-one in particular, the tears I thought I'd got rid of coming back again.

I can't sleep. Too much stuff is happening at the moment and I can't make sense of even a second of it. I sigh and shift in my bed so I'm now lying on my back, looking up at the ceiling with my hands resting on my chest, tapping away to some beat, I'm not quite sure what.

But the rhythm that I am making my hands suddenly stops and my brow furrows as I hear something... or more to the point, someone whimpering and what sounds like crying.

I turn my head to the side and look out to my whole room, my eyes falling onto Brian's bed which he is sitting up in. I can vaguely see in the dark that he's hunched over with his head resting on his knees. I can see his back and shoulders quivering slightly in time with the whimpers I can hear.

What's wrong with him?

"Bri? Baby, are you OK?" I say softly as I sit up a little and turn my body towards him.

I bite my lip and watch him tense up as he hears my voice.

"Baby?"

Fuck, I'd forgotten Coby was in here with me. In fact I'd just forgotten where I was altogether. It's always the same after one of the dreams. I'm so disoriented, half the time I think I'm still that little kid.

I wipe my eyes again and lift my head up to look at him, "I'm okay, Cobes. I'm just... tired."

I smile weakly at him, "Seriously, I'll be okay."

I wish I could convince myself of this...

"Are you sure?"

I haven't seen him like this before. Granted I have only really known him for a month and a bit but he has always seemed like such a happy person to me.

"Because if not, you can come up here with me. I don't mind." I smile down on him.

I really hope he is OK.

I think it over for a moment. I don't want to intrude but then again, he's my boyfriend. It's my job to intrude. I nod.

"I could probably do with a cuddle." I say, smiling weakly, "Bad dreams."

I feel instantly embarrassed at my phrasing but shake it off. I'm still shook up. Whereas the dreams may seem innocent and may cut off before they get too detailed and painful, the memories are always there. They always flood into my head afterwards. Right now, I just need to be held, to feel loved and safe.

I get up from the small bed, wary about setting foot on the floor - a habit I've never been able to shake off after a bad dream/too many horror films. I quickly walk across to his bed, too quickly considering how fogged my brain is. I hope he doesn't pick up on that.

I get onto his bed, over the top of the covers and move to him, pretty much forcing him into a hug. I'm being childish and I'm being stupid but I don't care. I'll dwell on this in the morning.

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