RP:]] St Luke's Reform School For Young Gentlemen

"I've blown my chance on love, Coby." I say, so quietly I'm not even sure I said it outloud.

Hoping desperately that I did just say this in my head, I shake my head, finishing off the rest of my drink way too fast, making my head swim somewhat. I bring my hand to my forehead as if it'll stop the crazed swirling going on right now.

After a long moment, I bring my hand down and I can only see one Coby again.

"People like me aren't meant to find love anyway. We just lose it."

"It's only if you want to lose it though," I say to him.

It was his choice that me and him parted, I didn't want it. I was only gone for a month, it wasn't my fault. I needed to find extra work and I had to leave him for a little while. He was the one that couldn't handle it, so now he's playing this angst card, it doesn't really work with me.

"I mean, if you don't want to love someone, it's your choice," I tell him.

I forget to mention that he did love me way back then, and we did have something special that could be envied by everyone. And I did love him back... I think, I still do now. Seeing him so vulnerable, like he was when he was discovering himself, that's what made me love him, want to protect him. Now it's just as strong.

This sounds almost as if we're talking in some kind of code. Is he hinting at us? Or is it just drunken wishful thinking?

"Of course I want to love someone, to feel that level of, well of fuckin' insanity again. Life's pretty dull without it." I explain, "I just don't think anyone could love me. Everything I was, everything I did, everything I am now. I mean look at me, it's 6PM, I'm already fucking wasted - and not for the first time this week - and I'm hiding from a potential confrontation."

I slide my empty glass along the bar towards the barman, "Another one."

The man looks unwilling to serve me, a slightly larger bill than is needed sorts that problem right out.

I look back to Coby, "And now I'm paying a guy off so I can get even more fucked up. I am pathetic."

As I catch the glass which is slid back to me, I laugh half-heartedly, "And I've totally ignored your problem as well. There's another reason I'm unloveable nowadays, I'm so fucking selfish."

I watch him as he basically talks into his glass, and it fucking breaks my heart to see him like this. It breaks my heart like that day when he pushed me down in the dirt, tears streaming down his face when he told me he never wanted to see me ever again.

I watch as he starts to drink his shot glass a hell of a lot faster. Now I think it's time I at least helped out the situation a little bit.

"Come on Bri, I think you've had enough," I tell him as I pry the glass from his fingers, shooting an apologetic look at the barman for anything that might occur.

"Had enough?" I question, gripping my glass tighter, "If only you knew how right you were Cobes."

I try and pull the drink back to me but in this state I'm as weak as a kitten, I've no chance. I roll my eyes and relinquish my hold on the glass, waving it off.

"Not like it really matters anyway, y'know? The final mouthful wasn't suddenly going to make everything better." I wave a hand emphasizing my point, "Strange though, I'm usually such a jovial drunk."

I put the glass closer to the barman, asking him with my eyes to take it away and not even try and give him anymore. He knows I'm a cop, so he won't give him anymore anyway.

"Come on Bri, let's get you... home?" I question myself more than him.

I mean, he won't want to go home because of that harpy of a girlfriend of his. I can't take him home to mine, because knowing my luck Allan will still be there, in tears, ready to apologise to me and begging me to take him back. There really is only one option.

"No, let's go to the spot, yeah?"

I nod along to what he's saying, not really able to take anything in right now. Not now the weight of my alcohol induced depression has hit me. I'm vaguely aware of the mention of the spot, that's about it.

"Yeah, just... don't make me go back home, Coby. I don't want to deal with her. I don't want to see her or them and thier fuckin' judging eyes." My words slightly slurred, "Always judging, always watching, waiting for me to slip up, so they can tear me apart again..."

I get up off my stool, swaying slightly. I grip te bar to hold myself up, "Fuckin' hell, things seemed a lot more stationary when I was sat down."

"It always seems that way," I tell him as I take a hold of him to help him out of the bar and into the street.

I watch him all the while as I help him out of the bar, he keeps gripping onto things to help him along on the way, but I keep telling him I've got him, and I'm not going to let him go. If only that was the case last time.

"Come on Bri, almost there," I tell him as I open the door and make our way outside

Technically we are not almost there, but I am in no fit state to drive, so we are just going to have to walk to some clearing in the trees on the hill, overlooking the city.

The walls are disappearing now. I don't really have any choice but to hold onto Coby, gripping his arm a little tighter than I'd have liked.

"I'm so sorry about this Cobes. The first time we see each other in six months and you're practically carrying me out of a bar." I smile a little, nostalgia sinking in, "Of course it wouldn't be the first time you've had to do this. It's just normally a little later and you're being carried too."

I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up right now. I'm completely wasted, there's no coming back from this well. Yet I can't get over how much I've missed having his arms around me, how he's always holding me up no matter how close I am to the ground.

"I missed you, y'know."

I look down at him, sure that it's the alcohol talking on his part, but it still doesn't make me smile any less.

"Yeah, I missed you too," I tell him.

I'm not sure how he meant that. Whether he meant that he missed me because we haven't really being in touch in six months. Or whether he misses me like I miss him, like missing a leg. But God, I wish it's the latter.

"Come on man, let's get you sat down somewhere," I say as I look ahead to see a bench looking down onto the city at the bottom of the hill.

I smile, "That sounds good, I'm not a big fan of this vertical crap."

I'm pretty much dragged to the bench, my feet almost having lost the ability to move of their own accord. I land on it heavily, bringing Coby down with me. I tap my fingers on my knees as we just sit in a contented silence. I'm trying to stop myself from doing something stupid, there's a small flask of JD in my jacket pocket and I want nothing more than to finish it the fuck off.

I turn to Coby, "I really am sorry about your boyfriend, Coby. I know I've kinda made everything about me tonight... fuck, whenever we're around each other really. I meant what I said about kicking his ass, y'know? You might just wanna wait until I don't see three of everything."

I laugh a little at his suggestion.

"No, it's alright... I could see something like this happening. None of my relationship ever end well so I didn't let myself get too attached to him. So it's probably mostly my fault rather than his," I say before looking over at him.

"Besides, if I didn't know about all my problems then I'd have to worry about my own problems. And that's just bad," I laugh.

Last edited by Syn on Fri May 23, 2008 4:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

"It wasn't your fault, Cobes. You didn't tell him to fuck around with another guy." I point out, "He was an asshole."

I lean against him, resting my head on his shoulder. It's a little too intimate but I can't help myself and if all else fails, I'll blame it on the alcohol.

"You just pick the wrong men. Like everyone who's ever dated me." I say with a half-smile, "There's someone good enough out there for you somewhere."

I wish I had the guts to drop my name into this but I don't think it'd fly right now. Besides I'm drunk. As soon as I come down from this inebriated state, I'd be too embarassed to face him after admitting that I still had feelings for him.

Anyway, I'm not good enough.

"Yeah," I say before biting my lip so that the other part of what I was going to say can't get out.

And he's sitting right next to me.

I can't tell him that while he's drunk. It wouldn't be fair on him. He's drunk, he wouldn't be able to take it and will no doubt end out lashing out at me for hurting him.

I look down at him and just watch his face as he looks out at the city. He looks so amazing, even when he's drunk and like he's about to pass out. Because when I look at him, I can't see a forty year old man that's hurting inside and wants his life to just stop being crappy. But I see the fun loving sixteen year old guy with a permanent smile on his face. The face I fell in love with.

I love looking over the city at night, at the lights. I love wondering whether anyone else out there is having as shitty a time as I am these days. I can't help but wonder if there's anyone who knows how I feel right now. The victim of 25 years of sheer fucking agony just because of they weren't strong enough as a teenager, someone who's as messed up as me.

"I never told you the real reason things ended between us, did I?" I say, without even thinking about it, "Why I was so adamant about never seeing you again, why I was so hurtful."

I don't really want to tell him now but of course the whiskey's loosened my tongue and hell, it's just got to come spilling out now.

I am a little shocked that he has just come out with it like this, and I am not sure whether I do want to here this or not.

"Yeah? Tell me?" I say in barely a whisper, as I didn't think that I could get it out at all.

I bite my lip again as I wait for him to tell me. I want to know, so badly I want to know why he ended it with me, so maybe then we can start the mending, maybe even try again. But I also don't want to hear it, in case it's something I just can't cure. And that would tear me apart.

"It ain't pretty, believe me." I say, smiling sadly and sitting up properly, "We were found out."

I look across to him, "By my dad, my real dad, the one who used his dick instead of his fists."

I feel nauseous just thinking back on this situation, it's not something I'd ever hoped to relive. I rub at my stomach, trying to ease the discomfort there before looking down to my feet.

"I don't know how it happened, he just said he had his sources." I explain, "So understandably he went completely fucking crazy, screaming, yelling, all sorts of shit. He told me... told me I was lucky thathe was the only one who knew."

I take a shaky breath, screwing my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. In 25 years, I've not told anyone about this, hell I've tried to block it from my mind completely.

"I just... I need a minute." I say, swallowing the lump which is forming in my throat.

"Bu-but how? I was only gone for... a month I..."

I stop myself before even realising that I haven't heard the full story. I want to hear all of this before I can judge how I am going to fix this. That's what I do y'see, I fix things.

"Carry on, when you're ready."

"He was in town on business, figured he'd come see his favourite nephew. Brody was stressed out, sent me off with him without even bothering to find out if I wanted to go." I explain, "He took me back to his motel and told me he'd found out about us."

It's somewhat easier to explain the logistics of the situation rather than what actually happened. Then again, if I don't get the rest of this out Coby'll get pissed off and I'll be pissed off with myself.

"Anyway, he... he got really angry and I don't know what it was, whether he was feeling nostalgic or some such shit but he... he fucking raped me again." I say, the words only just coming out, "Fuck..."

I can feel my stomach clenching now, everything I've not eaten over the past few days coming straight back up again. I fall off the bench, landing on my knees just as the vomiting starts.

I rush around to Brian's side, fall onto the floor next to him myself, rubbing his back and pushing his hair out of his face.

"It's alright Bri, just let it out man," I say as I grimace at the sight.

No matter how many teenagers end up throwing up on your shoes while they're out of his on God knows what booze and drugs. Seeing it happen to someone you love, is never quite the same.

"I am so sorry Brian, you don't have to carry on, I think I've got everything I need, unless you want to."

I shake my head.

I take a long moment to regain myself, breathing deeply to try and relax myself.

"He threatened you, Coby." I say, my voice hoarse now from the acid burning my throat.

I need to get this out, I need him to understand. I don't want him to just think I was scared of being intimate in case he hurt me, I don't want him to think I'd changed my mind about him because that hell was forced on me again. I need him to understand.

"He told me if he ever saw you and me together again, he'd tell my other dad. They'd go after you. They would do to you what they did to me over the years only they wouldn't give a fuck about whether you were still breathing afterwards." I explain, sitting back on my feet, "I needed you to hate me so that I wouldn't lose you. I ruined everything because I was so fucking scared of seeing you get hurt."

"Oh Brian," I say as I sit him up again, satisfied that most of the acid is out of his system now.

"Why didn't you just tell me? I would have understood," I tell him, "I would have suffered for you. They couldn't have hurt me half as bad as you think they could have. I was more hurt that I didn't have you by my side anymore, nothing hurt more than that Brian."

Partly because I had seen what his Dad looked like in photos, he's not exactly ex-military. Besides, back in the day I had my connections, connections I still probably have now.

"You don't know what my family is like. People just disappear, people they don't approve of are never heard of again." I lift a hand up to count the names off, "My best friend in grade school, my cousin, my mom."

I finally spare him a look, "I didn't want to add you to the list."

I can't help but laugh a little at how heavy everything's become now, "Christ, I have such a great talent at bringing everyone down, don't I?"

"I wouldn't have let them Brian," I bite my lip as I look at how broken up he truly is, and after twenty-five years of knowing this.

"Because I would have run away from it, taken you with me, gotten some help, anything. I just wouldn't have let anything stop me from being with you."

I bite into my lip, I want to say what I want to say so badly, so very badly, "I love-loved you Brian. I really, really did. I..."

"I know, Cobes." I reach out to hold one of his hands, desperate for any kind of contact with him again. It's strange how even after all these years, they still fit together perfectly, our fingers are still a perfect contrast. Sure they're rougher now, his from handling a gun, mine from many bottles of whiskey which have passed through them. But I still feel as safe as I ever did with them twined through my own.

"I love you too. Never stopped." I admit, the words slipping off my tongue easier than they should do, "But I fucked everything up. I'm a mess, I'm an alcoholic, commitment phobic, sex addict headcase. I'm not fit for any kind of relationship, any kind of love, I don't fucking deserve it."

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